A Black Wind
by FFA331
Summary: "I used to be my own protection, but not now, cause my path has lost direction, somehow. A black wind took you away, from sight and held the darkness over day, that night." (WARNING: Super sad). When a random drunk driver blows a red light on an average street in Chicago, the Intelligence unit is torn apart. This is the story of how they try to put themselves back together.
1. Chapter 1 - Immortals

**A BLACK WIND**

 **Ch 1: Immortals**

* * *

 _We could be immortals_

 _immortals_

 _just not for long_

 _for long_

* * *

Everything was blurry. I opened my eyes slowly. Everything hurt. My head was killing me, my ribs felt like they were squeezing my organs and my limbs felt far too heavy to move more than a couple inches.

I surveyed my surroundings. It was a white room and there were lots of flowers. And machines. I came to the conclusion that I was in a hospital. I tried to remember why I was in a hospital, but I couldn't recall anything more than flashes, certainly nothing that would've caused me to end up in a hospital. I hadn't even gone out for drinks last night.

Was it even last night? How long had I been unconscious?

"Hank," I heard a far off voice say sadly, "She's awake."

I turned my head, with a grimace, towards the source of the voice, by the door to my left. A familiar person entered my small hospital room. He had a sad look on his face, hidden beneath a forced smile.

"You're up," Voight whispered quietly.

I managed a small nod. "I don't remember..."

"It's okay. You hit your head pretty hard, but the doctors say it'll clear up soon."

"Okay..." I mumbled. "What- What happened?"

"You were in an accident."

It came back in flashes so blurry, I could barely tell what was going on. My hands were gripping a steering wheel. Turned it to the left. Bright lights. Then everything was thrown harshly to the left.

"Do you remember?" Voight asked calmly, surely noticing the confused look on my face.

"Not really. Just flashes."

"Well, don't worry." He comforted me with a pat on the arm. "Get some sleep. I'll be here when you wake up." He began to head over to a chair pushed against the wall, but I weakly grabbed his arm.

"I- I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I was driving. I caused-"

Voight shook his head. "God no, Erin. You were hit by a very drunk driver. Some scum with a rap sheet a mile long."

"Is he okay?"

"He died on impact, but that was his own fault. Not yours. Now get some rest."

I let out a deep breath. "M'kay," I mumbled as Voight sat down. I fell asleep only moments after I closed my eyes.

* * *

 _I wasn't really awake. It felt like a dream, but somehow, it wasn't. Not completely._

" _How is she?" The words were calm and quite, but in my half-conscious state, they were knives cutting through the haze. They sounded real, but nothing else did._

" _Doc says she's out of the woods. Her memory's a bit fuzzy, but it should return."_

" _It's not like she'll miss the memory."_

" _I suppose...Maybe it's best she doesn't remember. I just want her to get better."_

" _She's awake. Doc's say she's out of the woods. She's going to be okay Hank."_

" _Maybe physically..."_

 _There was a loud sigh. "When are you going to tell her?"_

" _Once she's better. She doesn't need to know yet- doesn't need to worry. It's all going to be fine, once it is, we'll tell her. She needs to focus all her strength on getting better."_

" _And if it's not? If it's not okay?"_

 _Silence._

" _Hank?"_

 _Another pause, until the reply came._

" _I don't know."_

* * *

I opened my eyes slowly. Voight was sitting casually in the same chair, unmoved since I'd fallen asleep. He was on his phone, but put it away once he saw I was awake.

"Morning," he greeted.

I managed a weak smile. "Morning."

"How you feeling?"

"Thirsty," I confessed.

"Here." He gently lifted a small glass of water to my lips. I let the water flow over my lips and into my mouth. He put the glass back down on the small table beside my bed as I swallowed.

"Better?" He asked.

"Yeah," I replied softly. "How long was I out?"

"You slept off the night. It's almost noon now."

"You were here all night? Hank-"

"Don't," he insisted. "There's no where else I need to be anyways. We don't have any pressing cases, so we were all given time off."

"We?"

"Yeah, we," he teased. "You're part of a unit remember? Intelligence?"

"Never heard of it," I replied sarcastically. Voight and I smiled. "So...where are these supposed Intelligence members?"

He paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. "They're all around. They'll stop by in time. I sent them home for the night. They'll be coming back anytime now."

"Okay." I let out a sigh. "When can I go home?"

Voight laughed. "Not today."

"Come on," I pleaded. "Just tell me when."

"I honestly don't know the specifics."

"Can't you ask a doctor or nurse?"

Voight rolled his eyes and sighed. "Fine. I'll be right back."

I gave him a smile as he left the room. I'd been awake for a couple minutes and I was already bored...and tired. My eyes slipped shut.

"Aw, don't fall asleep on me now," Came a voice. I opened my eyes and smiled.

"Jay," I teased. "I was beginning to think you didn't care."

He was standing to my left, across the bed from where Voight had sat.

He chuckled. "Of course I care. Your dad sent me home." He added extra emphasis to the words _your dad_ implying his disdain about being sent home.

I smiled a little bit brighter. "I'd love to be sent home."

"You've been here less than a day," he laughed.

I shrugged. "Is that how long I've been here? Only a day?" I let out a sigh of relief.

Jay looked around awkwardly. "I think. I haven't been paying attention."

The smile fell from my face, as I looked at my partner with sadness and concern. "You really were worried."

"Of course I was worried. You're my partner."

I gave the tiniest smile. "I'm okay now. I promise."

"I'm going to hold you to that," he admitted.

For a moment we just stared at each other, not needing words. Then I a small drop of blood trickled down his face from his scalp. Then another, then another, until the right right side of his face was drenched with blood.

I screamed, slamming my eyes shut, beginning to flail about wildly. I felt hands on my shoulders. They held me down firmly.

"Erin! Erin!" Someone shouted.

"Detective Lindsay!" Came another voice. "I need you to calm down. I need you to calm down," the voice instructed. I did as told, still keeping my eyes squeezed firmly shut. The hands on my shoulders left. "Good. Good. Now, can you open your eyes for me?"

Slowly, I did. I looked around the room, as I left out scared breaths. Voight stood at my side. A doctor stood on my other side. Jay was in the corner of the room by the window. He looked terrified, but otherwise fine. There was no blood on him.

"Hello there," the doctor greeted. "My name is Nathan. I'm your doctor. Now, can you tell me what you saw?"

I let out a jagged breath and stared at Jay. I then looked up at the ceiling and shook my head. Nathan turned to Voight.

"Could you give us a moment please?" he asked politely.

Voight gave me a worried look. I returned a forced smile, assuring him I was okay. Jay gave me one last concerned glance before the two left, shutting the door behind them.

Nathan smiled warmly. "Let's talk Erin. What do you remember about the accident?"

I explained how I had had flashes, but otherwise remembered nothing else. Nathan listened patiently, only nodding from time to time.

"I see," he said when he was finished. "Well, I'm afraid I can't help you fill in the dots much. I only know as much as I need to, to make sure you get better."

I nodded silently.

"Do you want to tell me what to tell me what freaked you out so much? Or should we talk about something else?"

I let out a heavy breath, but didn't speak.

"You're doing fine Erin. You've been told that right? You're going to be just fine in a couple days and out of this hospital. I expect you back at work within the month, maybe even back in the field," he explained. "That's what you want right?"

I nodded, receiving a smile from the doctor. "Car accidents are hard Erin. They're so random, nothing you can do to prevent them, no way of knowing it was coming. I could see how that's hard for someone in your profession. You probably don't expect to get injured outside of work, but you're going to be okay."

"Yeah," I whispered.

"I've worked with a lot of victims of car accidents in my time here Erin. If you ever need anyone to talk to, anything you don't want to talk to your friends about, I'm here. I won't judge you." He gave me a pat on the arm and began to make his way to the door. "Shall I send your friend back in?"

"It was my partner."

He walked back over to me.

"Jay...he- um...he was bleeding. It- It just happened so fast."

"Hallucinations are perfectly normal with head trauma like yours Erin. They'll go away soon, I promise."

I nodded. "I don't...I don't want them to think I'm losing my mind."

"You're not," he assured me. "The hallucinations are perfectly normal in cases such as yours. I promise, they'll go away in a matter of days."

I let out a deep breath, regaining my composure. "Okay. Let them back in."

* * *

Jay was sitting at my bedside, staring at his hands, which rested in his lap. Voight had stepped out for a minute, had to go fill out some paperwork for insurance or something.

"Say something," I said after a period of silence.

"You just started screaming..." he mumbled.

"I'm sorry...I thought..." I couldn't force the words out.

"You saw something. Didn't you?" He asked, not looking up.

I nodded. "Yeah..."

"It's going to be okay Erin," he assured me as he tipped his head upwards to face me. "I'm going to make sure that it is. I won't leave you. I won't leave you until you're okay. No matter what Erin. I'm right here."

I looked at the ceiling. Heavy breaths escaped my lips as I held back waves of tears.

"I promise you."

I nodded. "I..." I trailed off, my words slipping away.

"Erin look at me." I did. "You can tell me anything. I won't think any less of you. Besides, I'm not leaving anytime soon. You'll end up telling me sooner or later. You always do." He smirked, but there was little to no humour behind it.

I sighed. "Jay...I saw you-"

I was cut off by Voight re-entering the room. "Erin," he greeted gently, as though I were a fragile glass figurine. "How are you feeling?"

I shrugged. "Okay. I think."

He nodded. "You're going to be okay Erin." He turned away for a moment, letting out a jagged breath. "You're going to be okay." He repeated, still facing away from me. I turned to Jay, confusion written all over my face. My partner wore an unbearably sad expression.

"Hank?" I asked, turning back to my father figure. "What's wrong?"

He shook his head, took a heavy breath and turned back to face me. "Nothing," he managed, sounding almost too indifferent. "You're going to be fine. That's all that you need-" he cut himself off and paused, before resuming. "That's all that matters right now."

I didn't believe him. "Did something happen in the accident? It was my fault wasn't it? Did I kill someone?"

Hank snapped out of his daze. "No, Oh god no. Erin, you didn't cause the accident. I would never lie to you like that. Ever."

"Then what are you lying about?"

Voight opened his mouth, as if to speak, but no words came out. He closed his mouth again, pausing, thinking of what to say. It was as if he was contemplating telling me the truth or expanding the lie into more falsehoods. Lucky for him, however, another visitor entered the room, temporarily excusing him from having to explain anything to me.

"Hey there Lindsay," Ruzek greeted. "It's so good to see you awake. Sarge sent us home last night before you woke up or trust me, I would've stayed all night."

"They all would've," Hank pointed out. "And it wouldn't have helped Erin one bit."

I laughed lightly and Ruzek sighed "I suppose," the newer detective admitted. "But, on the topic of _helping Erin,_ how is Erin feeling?"

I shrugged. "Like I was hit by a truck," I teased with a slight chuckle. I looked around, at my fellow detectives. None of them reciprocated the smile. I frowned, raising a confused eyebrow. "Guys? I'm kidding. Really, I'm fine."

Ruzek took a heavy breath. "Um," he tried. Voight gave the younger detective a deathly glare. Ruzek noticed the look and put on a fake smile. "Sorry," he said, shaking previous thoughts out of his head. "You're right. I'm going to...uh...I'm going to..." he pulled out his phone, searching for an out. "Oh hey," he exclaimed. "Look at that! Antonio's here. I'm going to go fetch him."

As Ruzek headed for the door, Jay followed him silently. My eyes lingered on the two of them, the hallucination from earlier racing through my head.

"I'll be right back," Ruzek promised, upon seeing the worried look on his friends face. The two left the room, Ruzek shutting the door tightly as they did. Once the door clicked shut, Voight turned to me. He sighed and sat down at the edge of my bed, placing a gentle hand on my arm.

"It's foolish of me to believe I can hide anything from you for long. It never really works out for me, does it?"

I shook my head silently.

"When I got that call, the one saying you were in an accident...I didn't know what to do. They said- They said they didn't know if you would wake up, but you did. They've been saying it's a miracle that you woke up already- That you woke up at all. They told me that you'd recovered remarkably well, but...before you first woke up..." He grasped my hand tightly, but gently with both of his. "I didn't know if you were going to make it."

I put her free hand on both of his. "I did though. My doctor told me I'm going to be fine." A surge of panic raced through me like I had been hit by lightning. "Is that the secret? Am I not going to be fine?"

"No, no, no," Voight assured me. "You truly are going to be fine."

"Then what? Hank...just tell me. I can take it. Anything's better than this- this- this not knowing."

He turned his head, as he could no longer bare to face me. "If only that were true," he whispered before turning back to me. "You need to get better now Erin. I don't want to risk your health over this."

"That's not your choice," I protested in a disbelieving whisper. "I deserve to know. Don't I?"

Hank squeezed my hand tighter as he searched his head for words to respond with. "You can't make the choice. If you- If you knew..." he trailed off. "I'm sorry. I can't do this right now. You're just going to have to trust me on this one Erin. Don't you trust me?"

I gave a tired shrug. "Hank, I'm tired. I'm really tired. Can't you just tell me so I can get some sleep?"

He smiled lightly. "Erin..." he tried.

"Please."

"You know the case with the Jacob's boy?"

I nodded. "The eight year old?"

"Yeah," He managed. "That's the one." He let go of my hand and stood up, beginning to pace around the room. "There's nothing you can do about it now anyways. Can't you just get some rest?"

I shook my head. "Just tell me."

He let out a sigh. "We handed it off."

"You said..." I muttered, stammering because of my own anger. "You said we were going to find whoever killed that boy. When I left work, you promised me that we'd only be putting the case on the back burner, that'd we'd look for new leads whenever we had a slower day."

"We wanted the time off...Erin, we all wanted this time. We wanted to be here when you woke up...Or in case you never did. It wouldn't have been fair to that kid's family to leave that file just sitting there. So, we handed it off."

My hands clenched into fists. "You promised."

"I didn't think that..." he trailed off. "I'm sorry. I only wanted what was best."

I sighed and stared up at the ceiling. For a moment, neither of us moved, until I lowered my head again. My eyes were glassy with unshed tears of anger, frustration and sheer exhaustion. I was just so damn tired.

"That's it?" I asked. "That's the huge, big secret? You gave away a case?"

"I gave away a case."

"I'm sure you did, but is that really it? Is that really what you're all so afraid that I'll find out?"

"If I said yes, would you go to sleep?"

"I'd call you a liar."

He smiled lightly. "Yeah, well then, I guess I'm a liar."

I looked right at my father figure. "It really is something big, isn't it?"

He nodded.

"Fine," I surrendered. "You don't have to tell me. If it's that important to you that I don't know, I'll let you keep your secret, but only until I'm better." I paused. "And the definition of _better_ will not be up to you. It will be up to me, with influence from my doctor."

Hank nodded. "I can live with that."

I almost smiled in triumph, but I was terrified of what it might be that Hank was keeping from me. Whatever it was, it was bad. I didn't have time to contemplate the idea much further though, because I was so tired, I fell asleep within moments.

* * *

There were loud shouts. Someone yelling someone about a cart. Something about a code. The voices were coming from outside my room. I heard my door swing shut harshly. Someone had just left my room in a hurry. Was it Hank? Jay? I wasn't sure.

I sat up, groaning in pain, as I did so. I turned, swinging my legs off the side of the bed. As they hung in the air, I panted, trying to ignore the pain. I took a deep breath pushed myself off the bed and onto my feet. I staggered, stumbling into the wall. I caught myself, however, and managed to regain my balance. I began to follow the wall to the door.

Someone yelled "Come on!" I couldn't identify the voice. I assumed it was a nurse or a doctor.

I pushed the door open, wincing from the motion. I was sore all over and my whole body was screaming at me to lay back down on my bed, but something kept me going. Keeping most of my body weight pressed against the wall, I began to make my way to the source of the sound. It was coming from a room not to far away.

I staggered over to the room, wincing more and more with each step I took, but I kept moving.

"Erin. Stop."

I turned around. It was Jay. I hadn't heard him walk up behind me, but I hadn't exactly been listening for his footsteps either.

"Go back to your room."

I pointed to the room where the sounds were coming from. "What's in there? What's going on?"

"Go back to your room," he repeated.

I blinked. Was he...Was he crying? Why was he crying?

"You're not sorry!" A familiar voice screamed. I turned back to the room where the voice was coming from. "Keep trying!"

"That's Antonio's voice." I turned back to my partner. "Jay. What's-" I froze. Just as suddenly as he'd appeared, Jay was gone again. I frowned. "Okay," I mumbled, dragging out the _'o.'_

I resumed my approach of the room. Atwater was standing in the doorway. He noticed me as soon as I approached him. His eyes shot open as he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me away from the door.

"Lindsay?" He blurted. "What the heck are you doing? You should be resting. You can't be up yet. The doctor said-"

"What's in the room?" I asked in a confused voice. The newest detective just shook his head. His glassy eyes were begging me to go back to my room. Wait. Glassy eyes? Why was he crying too?

Panic surged through me and I pushed past him. He didn't stop me this time. He just stood there. Numb.

A few nurses and a couple doctors exited the room. "I'm so sorry, but there really is nothing else we can do. We'll give you a few minutes to say goodbye," one said sadly. A couple of them looked at me with a pitying gaze, but none of them spoke.

I turned into the room. Voight, Olinksy, Dawson, Jay and Ruzek were blocking the view to something, that they all were staring at sadly. Jay turned around, as if sensing my presence. He walked up to me, tears were pouring down his face.

"What is happening?" I asked him. My eyes were beginning to well up with tears as if they already knew what was going on. The others turned to me upon hearing my voice, all except for Antonio.

"Erin!" Voight practically screamed. "You can't be here!" He made a move to approach me, but Olinsky grabbed his shoulder.

"We have to tell her now," he whispered sadly.

 _I flashed back to a time when I was driving. I was laughing so hard, I was on the verge of tears._

Reality returned just as quickly as it had left me. Ruzek, who's eyes were streaming tears like a waterfall, walked up to me so he stood beside Jay and put his right hand on my right shoulder.

"Erin," he managed through his tears. "I...I'm so..." He turned away, unable to finish the sentence. He shook his head and exited the room.

As Olinsky moved over to the window, only Antonio and Hank remained in the way of what they had all been looking at. It was a bed. A bed, with a person lying on it, but who's I couldn't tell, for Antonio was blocking the face.

 _Another flashback came, lasting only a moment, just as long as the previous one. I was making a left-hand turn. The arrow was green. I had the right of way._

I looked at Jay's crying face to Hank's clearly distraught one. Antonio still hadn't turned around. He was leaning over the figure, his hands resting on the bed. He was shaking from (what I assumed was) sobs.

Hank looked away from me, unable to look at me any longer. He made his way over to the window to stand next to his old friend. Both of them had eyes beginning to well up with tears.

"Antonio?" I whispered, afraid of what I was about to see.

 _Bright lights. Something slammed hard into the right side of the car. I let out a cry as I lost control of my vehicle._

Antonio turned around to face me. He was sobbing uncontrollably. He moved only slightly so that I could see the face of the inhabitant of the bed. I recognized the face immediately. All of the air rushed out of my lungs like I'd been hit in the stomach by a wrecking ball.

 _The car had stopped moving. My head hurt. I turned to my right, to the passenger seat. He was sitting there. Blood covered his face and most of his body. I tried to scream, but all that came out was a soft, worried whimper._

" _Jay."_

I reached my hand out, trying to touch the Jay in front of me. The one standing up. The one that was still alive. Surely, the one that was real. I tried to place my hand on his shoulder, but instead my hand went straight through it. The Jay in front of me faded away like mist.

He had never really been in front of me. He had only ever been in my head.

"Erin," Antonio managed through his tears.

It all became too real.

Too fast.

Far too fast.

My partner was dead.

Jay Halstead was dead.

Jay was dead.

Jay...

...He was dead.

I rushed over to the bed, crying out. I began to run my hands all over his body, murmuring for him to wake up. I was begging him, pleading him, telling him that his joke wasn't funny. It was anything, but funny. I grabbed his face tightly in my hands, staring at his closed eyelids, mourning the colour of his eyes and the shape of his smile.

I would've done anything to see those things again.

"Wake up," I begged. "Wake up." My voice was shattered by the tears and sobs that now raced through my body and down my, now rosy, cheeks. I grabbed his shoulders, shaking the limp body that had once been my best friend. I shook harder. "WAKE UP!" I screeched.

I let go of his body and my legs gave out. Arms wrapped around me. I didn't know who's. I didn't care. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Pain tore through my body so severely I normally would've cried out in agony, but this time it didn't matter. It just didn't matter. "Wake up," I sobbed.

"He's not going to," Someone whispered. "He's never going to wake up again."

* * *

 _I am the sand in the bottom half of the hourglass_

 _(glass, glass)_

 _I try to picture me without you, but I can't_

* * *

 **So, Just realizing now that this story is coming out at a weird time (in relation to recent events on the show), but I actually wrote up this chapter months ago...I actually almost didn't post this story because of it, but the main reason I'm working on this story is to get better with writing grief and loss so I decided to do it anyways. Please review and let me know how I did and how whether or not you are going to continue reading this story.**

 **I'll try to get the next chapter out next Sunday, but no promises. This week is super busy and I want evry chapter in this story to be well thought through and well written.**


	2. Chapter 2 - Rain

**Wow. So I honestly wasn't sure if I was going to post the rest of this story,but I was blown away by all the support I got for the first chapter. It's the only reason I'm putting out this chapter at all (I know it's a week late, but I had a really crappy week and didn't want to depress myself further). Seriously though, your support astounds me! So, without further ado...here is chapter two. Please enjoy.**

* * *

 **A BLACK WIND**

 **Ch 2: Rain**

* * *

 _Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep **  
**You think that you're gonna drown **  
**Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep **  
**With all this rain falling down_

* * *

My eyes flickered open slowly. Everything was a bit hazy at first, but I blinked away the fog and was able to figure out where I was. I was back in the hospital room. Voight had nodded of in his chair by the window. Jay was sitting just to my right. I groaned as I awoke, rousing Voight from his slumber.

"Hey. Hey. Easy there," he insisted, rushing to my side. "You collapsed remember? Hit your head again. You need more rest."

I shook my head. "I had the worst dream." Jay raised an eyebrow, permitting me to continue. I turn back to Voight. "It was bad," I told him, in a voice barely above a whisper.

Voight sighed. "What was it about?" He asked.

There was a deep sadness in his voice. It made me pause, unsure if he really wanted me to continue. He seemed to almost be afraid of my dream as if he knew, already, about it's contents and was already mourning them.

Still, I took a deep breath and continued.

"There were people shouting, rushing around the halls. They were doctors- doctors and nurses...trying to get a cart. Someone had coded. I-"

"Stop." Voight said suddenly, causing me to pause in confusion. "Don't do this Erin."

I frowned. "I don't understand."

"Don't make me do this Erin. Don't make me tell you."

I opened my mouth, but words failed to escape. I turned, helplessly to Jay. His gaze was down, at the ground, as if he were unable to face me.

My heart dropped. A single word fell off my tongue like a single drop of water, narrowly escaping a deep inhale that sucked everything deep into my throat. Yet, somehow, it hit the ground like a rock, shaking me to my very core, causing fear to ripple through every vein in my body.

"No."

Voight stood in silence. I let out a jagged breath, scratching against my heart as it came out. Suddenly, I felt like I couldn't breath.

"It was a dream," I gasped out.

Voight looked right at, his gaze intense and heart-wrenching. He shook his head. "You know better than that Erin. You're smarter than that."

I couldn't breath. I tried to. I forced air in and out of my lungs in ragged breaths, but each breath caused more and more pain. The weak breathing quickened as I did my best to keep breathing.

"Erin-" Voight tried.

"No!" I cried out sharply, through my inability to properly breathe. "S-st-stop," I whimpered. The two, small words were followed by more jagged, weak, but painfully rapid breathing. Voight looked at me with concern, but I just shook my head frantically.

It had hit me like a brick wall, and to be honest, I didn't care. I wanted to stop breathing. I wanted oblivion, the false blackness, the lie that hides in our nightmares.

"Erin," Voight repeated, this time his voice sounded far away and concerned. I was unable to cut him off as a few rouge tears screamed down my face with each painful gasp. "Erin, I need you to breathe."

I shook my head. Everything was getting blurry through all the tears.

"Erin," He said, more softly this time. He placed a gentle, but firm hand on my arm. He was so far away now. "Erin, listen to the sound of my voice. Please, I need you to focus on the sound of my voice." His words were slow. Soft. Gentle. Real.

I didn't want real.

"Erin. I need you to focus on me. I need you to listen. You can't fade out. You can't blur into the background. You can't wish this away." His grip on my arm tightened. "I know you want to run Erin. You've always been great at running, but you're also great at staying and fighting."

My rapid breathing, slowly began to soften as I listened, intently to the sound of his voice. Each word was like a key on a piano or a note on a guitar. His sentences, however, didn't make up a song. The words, instead, were loose and disconnected. They had no tune and no real meaning, but I focused on each key, on each word, and let the slow roughness, steadily drag me back into reality.

"You can't run Erin. Not from this," Voight said with a sort of finality and certainty that made me want to fade away again, but it was too late. Everything was back in vivid, blinding colour and it hurt to look at it, but I couldn't turn away. Not this time.

I sat up slowly, looking around the room, from Voight to the door. From the window to the hallucination- the lie my mind was trying to tell me was sitting beside me in a small hospital chair.

"Hank..." I managed.

"Aw, kid." He drew me into his arms, letting me just sob into him.

He was warm and his presence was comforting and somehow...that was the hardest part. With each sob, with each moment he comforted me, I was stung with the painful reminder that my partner was gone. I could never turn to Jay Halstead again for comfort. I could never look to him for help or just the simple solace that came with just knowing that he was only ever a phone call or a short drive away.

With each tear I cried, two more welled up in it's place.

Each one that fell down my cheek stung like a shock of electricity. They burnt like small fires, pouring from my eyes, laughing in my face. And somehow when I thought the pain had reached it's ultimate maximum, the tears made it all hurt so much more.

I'd cried before, usually in dark corners or behind closed doors, but yes. I had cried before. If my life had taught me anything, it was that there was no shortage of suffering in the world. No matter how much crap you were dealt, the world could always deal you more.

And no matter how much pain you feel. There's always more for you to have.

I didn't realize until that moment, that happiness and love aren't endless. They're actually in a rather short supply. Pain and sorrow on the other hand...They're unlimited. There's always more hurt. You can always feel worse.

Except in that moment- in that hospital room. There was no way- no possible way- that anything could hurt more that than. Pain may be unlimited, but the amount I can feel isn't...and I hit the limit, right there, in that hospital room.

* * *

When I drifted back into reality, it was out of a deep slumber. The hospital room was empty, except for a pale light of the sunset that seeped in through the blinds. I can't explain how, but I knew it wasn't a sunrise. Perhaps it was the darkness that seemed to cloak the space in a serene, calm feeling. Then again, it was more likely my deep depression, making me crave the nature to match my own feelings of ending and finality.

I looked away from the window. Jay had appeared by the door. His face was pale, but it gave off the illusion of colour as it was highlighted by the reflection of the sunset's bright, warm hues.

I sighed deeply. "You're not real."

"Nope," he said simply, as if all my questions could find answers in the one word.

I stared at him for a moment. "So..." I let the word hang for a moment. It sat it the air like a cloud, seeming to be visible, but not really tangible. Then, my word turned into more words, just like rain falling from the cloud. "I'm going crazy then."

He shook his head. "No you're not. Not entirely."

I frowned. "I'm hallucinating," I pointed out bitterly.

Jay nodded. "That's true."

"I'm crazy."

"That's not."

I rolled my eyes, letting out an exasperated sigh. "How do I make you go away?"

My hallucination shrugged as he plopped down casually in a chair. "Click your heels together?" He laughed light-heartedly, mocking the action with him own heels. "There's no place like home," he added with one of his smug smirks.

It was so familiar that I forgot to cry.

"Even when you're just my imagination, you're still annoying."

"I'm just an illusion conjured up by your memories of me," he suggested. "To you, I'm annoying."

"No you're not," I protested quietly.

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh yeah? Do tell."

I shook my head in an exasperated movement. "You're in my head. You already know what I know. Besides, you're not real."

Jay laughed. "Think of me as a therapist...Just here to listen."

"But you can't listen!" I screamed. Jay jumped, startled by my sudden outburst. "You're not real," I added in a much quieter voice.

Jay sighed heavily. "Why do I have to be real?"

I looked at him, in awe of his own naivete. There were so many reasons that he had to be real, but the more I thought about them, the less valid they seemed. Each answer died in my throat before it could make it out of my lips.

"The answer that you're looking for," Jay said non-nonchalantly, "Is that I just do. Right?" He smiled his familiar, bright smile and I suddenly really remembered that he was gone. I was winded by the revelation.

"You're dead," I gasped painfully.

Jay nodded solemnly. "Yeah, I am."

I inhaled and exhaled a heavy breath. "Yeah," I whispered. "You are." I looked at my hallucination hopelessly. "Look at me. I'm trying to comfort myself in a lie," I mumbled as I turned away, disgusted in myself

"Can't do it with the truth."

I looked back at him. "What?"

"Can't comfort yourself with the truth. That's what Camille Voight used to say isn't it?" I raised an eyebrow, causing Jay to laugh at my confusion. "I'm your memory remember?"

I shook my head at him. "Yeah it is. It's what she used to say. _'The truth is hard. It can't comfort you. Only the lies can.'_ "

" _But if you really want to heal, instead of just finding comfort_..." Jay continued.

" _You need to face the truth_ ," I finished.

Jay smiled brightly, throwing out his arms in an exaggerated manner. "I guess I'm perfect then, 'cause I'm both. I'm a comforting lie and the harsh truth."

I shook my head. "You're not the truth."

"Maybe you should tell that to your sub-conscious, because, clearly, the message hasn't been fully received."

I laughed humourlessly. "You're just a lie. Trust me. I know that."

Jay laughed, walking over to me. "No you don't," he whispered ominously, leaning in close to my face. "If you really knew that, you'd lose your mind." He leaned back slowly. "There's a reason kids ride tricycles Erin. It's because it's not safe for them to ride a bicycle just yet. There's nothing wrong with that. It keeps them safe."

"So you're my training wheels?" I spat condescendingly.

Jay's expression turned dead serious. "I'm your levee."

I stared at him for a moment, letting his words sink in. "If we're sticking to analogies...what happen's when you break?"

Jay shrugged. "If we're sticking to analogies," he repeated, "I hope you've got a boat built by then. Otherwise..." He trailed off.

"Otherwise I'll drown?" I suggested.

He folded his hands in front of his lips. "Erin..." He whispered, dangerously quiet. "I don't know what happens when I'm gone. I don't know if I'll ever be gone. I just don't know."

"Right," I muttered bitterly. "Because you're my imagination. You're only built off of what I know." I laughed at the thought. "Look at me, turning to a freaking hallucination. This is stupid. I don't want to do this anymore."

"Don't be like that," Jay snapped. "You're the queen of building walls Erin. You block everyone out when it gets rough. Don't block out yourself."

"Isn't that what levee's do? Block things out?"

Jay sighed. "You what I mean. You need me."

"So I should go crazy? Embrace the insanity?"

"One; it doesn't mean you're crazy. Two; Erin, I'm dead. You're not getting over that with a tub of ice cream and re-runs of cancelled television shows with questionable quality. You can't fix this kind of bullet hole with a band-aid."

A tear began to well up in my right eye. "I know that. If it was that easy...you'd- he'd be alive."

"He?"

"You're not Jay," I whispered miserably. "You're just my imagination. Jay's dead. He's gone...and I can't bring him back." I put a hand over my mouth as tears began to escape my eyes. "Nothing can."

"Erin," The hallucination put a hand down on my beside, by my shoulder. "You don't have to be afraid. Not of me. Not of yourself. You have too much else to be afraid of. Let me help you."

"You're not real!" I cried, pushing more tears free from my eye-lids. "Jay's gone. He's gone."

"You're not."

His words snapped me back to attention. "What?"

"You're not gone. You're still here. The world won't stop spinning just because I'm gone. That's the hardest part, but it's the truth and it's a truth that you have to face. You have to get up tomorrow. You have to get up everyday after it too. You can't do that on willpower and caffeine."

I nodded, blinking away what remained of my unshed tears. "I know. I know."

"Of course you do," Jay said playfully. "If you didn't, I wouldn't." He paused, sighing heavily. "Why can't you just trust me on this? I'm not just you Erin. I'm your version of Jay...and you knew him. You knew him perfectly. You knew him inside and out. He was your partner Erin. I was your partner. I'm just not you. I'm him."

He reached out a fake hand. "Let me help you. Isn't that why you have back-up? To help you?"

* * *

I was sitting in my room, staring at the wall when he walked in. Time had passed, but it was (to me) in quantities that couldn't be measured by the clock that ticked, loyally on my hospital room wall. It could only be quantified as forever, because it felt like it had happened both yesterday and a hundred years ago at the same time.

"Erin Lindsay. It's been a while," he said calmly.

I turned to him, surprised by his presence. "Will Halstead," I greeted emotionlessly, my voice cutting mercilessly through the silence.

In all honesty, I was grateful for the silence. Jay (or my hallucination of him- I still wasn't quite sure how to classify my new imaginary friend) had left me alone for awhile and it had given me time to think. The presence of the hallucination was both welcomed and unwanted at the same time, as I never knew just how to act in his presence, but it was never awkward. He knew me as well as I knew him, so conversation was never hard to stir up (regardless of how badly I wanted it not to).

"How are you doing?" Will asked, his question snapping me, violently, from my thoughts.

I shrugged. "Almost bearable at times."

"Well then, you're holding up better than me," he confessed, followed by a humourless laugh. "I was barely able to get up this morning."

"But you did," I reminded him with a forced smile.

He let out a small breath that sounded like an exasperated laugh. "I'm not sure how you do it Lindsay."

"Erin, please," I insisted. "And I'm not sure what you mean."

"You just...You seem like you're coping...and I don't know how."

I laughed. "Coping? I don't think you've come to the right person."

Will sighed, leaning up against the wall. "I never admitted it, but I was happy when I got the job at this hospital. Jay and I...we never had the best relationship, but I thought, maybe, we could help turn it all around. You know- make it better. We were of to a good start Erin. We really were."

"He cared about you Will," I promised him. "Don't be afraid that he didn't because he did."

Will nodded with a small sense of understanding. "Come on Erin," He pleaded, "How are you so together? Help me out."

I sighed. "I think it's mostly denial. The levee...just...hasn't fully broken yet."

The analogy made me think of Jay again. He'd promised to help me and he'd been trying- maybe even succeeding. But he hadn't been doing it in any conventional sense. It was just as he'd said, he was like a levee. Just having a version of my partner to talk to was keeping me in a sort of state of denial which allowed me to, in some small degree, keep myself together.

It still hurt to wake up in the morning. Each breath still felt like a thousand needles digging into my chest, but at least I was able to breathe. I suppose he was right. I needed him.

Will seemed, somehow, to understand my cryptic answer and let out, yet another, thoughtful sigh. "I haven't been granted that privilege," he confessed. "I feel it all the time. Everywhere I go, it hurts to breathe. I feel like it's my fault somehow."

"I was driving," I blurted suddenly, as the guilt that had been welling up in my chest overwhelmed me

Will looked at me with a gaze filled with both intrigue and confusion. "I heard it wasn't your fault. That the other car- a drunk driver blew a red light."

"I was still driving," I whispered. "If I hadn't turned. If I'd hesitated-"

"Stop Erin. This isn't on you."

"It is on me," I insisted miserably. "Even if only in a small degree."

"Please stop...because if it's on you. It's on me. I was working that night. I was with another patient. I didn't even know he'd been brought in for hours...until after they'd operated. If I'd known...maybe I could've helped. Maybe I could've done something."

"They wouldn't have let you operate. There was nothing you could've done."

"The hell there wasn't!" He screamed, swinging his arm in such a manner that caused him to send a small plastic cup of water flying off my side table. It shattered like ice on the floor. He paused for a moment after that, staring down in shame at what he had done. "I... I'm sorry," he mumbled, picking up the now empty cup. "I'll get a mop- or- or someone with a mop- I'll just-"

He turned to leave, but I reached out, grabbing his wrist tightly. "Wait," I pleaded softly. "Just sit down."

He sighed, standing still and silent for a moment. Then, slowly (and clearly with great doubt) he sat down in the chair beside me.

"I can't imagine how you feel Will. I can pretend, but... at the end of the day... I can't compare my grief to yours. So I can't console you. And I can't tell you it'll be okay because I don't know if it will. I've lost people- friends...a lot of friends, but...It doesn't get easier. I don't think this will ever stop hurting... I don't think that's possible, but... but somehow, we have to push through this."

"How?" he whispered hopelessly.

I shrugged. "I don't know how. I don't even know if we can, but we're supposed to. We're supposed to wake up- some day and not cry when we remember. We're supposed to move on. We have to. That doesn't mean it's possible. It sure as hell doesn't feel like it is, but we have to."

The doctor nodded slowly. "Always thought he'd go down in a hail of bullets," he confessed. "Or...or in an explosion. I thought the damn job would be the death of him. I hated that- that feeling that what he did, just to pay the bills, could end his life." Will breathed in, then out, heavily. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. A drunk driver? You hear about them all the time..."

"It becomes a statistic," I finished for him. "Drunk drivers...you hear about them so much...it almost stops being real- stops being a threat...until it is."

"Just like _that_." He snapped his fingers on the last word to emphasize his point. Not that is was necessary. I understood him perfectly.

We sat in silence for a minute or so, just taking in what we'd been talking about. We hadn't said anything profound. We hadn't given the other (or ourselves) any advice that would help even slightly with our grief. We'd hardly said anything that even made sense.

But, I suppose that's grief for you. There's nothing overly profound about it. No great revelations can be found in the confusing haze that is the loss of a loved one. There's no advice that can help, and, at the end of the day, there's nothing anyone can say that can come close to making it better.

And grief doesn't make sense. It's like being able to see- it simply can't be explained to anyone who's blind. Grief can't be quantified with words or- or anything really. It's just this unbearably sad feeling that overwhelms you every time you think about what you lost.

Grief is just missing something. It's thinking about it and realizing it's gone. Grief is pain and hurt and sadness. It's overwhelming, all encompassing and yet, somehow, it's just supposed to fade to black.

I'd experienced grief before. I knew well the oblivion that grief sunk into. Somehow the overwhelming, all-powerful emotion always faded away in a small, numbing sting in the back of my mind. It always happened, without fail, but this time...with Jay...It felt like that would never happen...and I didn't want it to.

That would mean I was moving on- that I was moving past him. And that, that scared me more than anything.

"I should go," Will said finally, gently releasing me from my deep thoughts.

I simply nodded.

"I'm sorry. I don't really know exactly what for," he admitted, "But I am, truly sorry."

I smiled faintly. "I understand that," I promised him. "I'm sorry too."

* * *

 _Strange how hard it rains now  
_ _rows and rows of big dark clouds  
_ _when_ _I'm still alive underneath this shroud  
_ _rain_

* * *

 **Sooooo. What'd you think? The style's still quite different, but I feel like it's more true to my real style. Idk, let me know what you think and if you want more. Personally, I'm happy with this chapter. Since I started this story I experienced some grief of my own (that's why I didn't post last week) so this chapter (especially the last quarter or so) is heavily influenced by that. It may have made it confusing and hard to follow, but I guess that's how I perceive grief.**

 **Again, let me know how you felt about this chapter and what you'd like coming up in the next two. As always, see you next Sunday and I hope you enjoyed.**


	3. Chapter 3 - Forever

**A BLACK WIND**

 **Ch 2: Forever**

* * *

 _You're still here, in my heart, in my tears_

 _Yeah, you sure left your mark_

 _We were just getting started_

* * *

I stared out the window. My doctor, Nathan, was talking in the background like static on a television screen. It seemed to blur into nothing. I focussed on the raindrops, each one dripping down the window in a serious of intricate patterns, searching for other droplets to combine with.

"Do you understand Erin?" He asked.

I nodded. "Yeah," I mumbled through my haze.

Nathan sighed, "Just because you're being released doesn't been you're all better. You know that right?"

I nodded again, but said nothing this time. Of course I knew that. How could he think I didn't.

Another sigh came from the doctor, but he must've realized I didn't really care about what he was saying so he gave in. "Just take care of yourself Erin," he added with a sigh of defeat.

"So she's all good to go?" Came the familiar voice of Antonio Dawson.

"Physically, she's right on track." A pause followed. "But detective," this portion was whispered, as if he hoped I couldn't hear him. "She's still showing small signs of head trauma, but the real concern's are about her emotional state. She's not eating well, hardly talking. She seems to barely pay attention to anything. She's severely depressed."

Antonio sighed. "She lost her partner," he explained. "I know how that feels and trust me, if she _wasn't_ depressed I'd be concerned."

The comment made me remember when we'd lost Jules, when Antonio had lost his partner. He'd done his best to cover it up, but it had been clear to all of us how much he was suffering. Still, he had his family, his wife and kids, even Gabby, to help him through it. I didn't have that. Sure there was Voight, but the list ended there. Jay had always been the other half of my support system, now, without him, I was struggling just to stay upright.

"Erin," Antonio said gently, entering my hospital room. I turned to look at him. "Let's get you out of here."

I had never been more glad to hear any words in my life. I wanted out of the hospital so bad. I wanted to escape all the constant reminders. I wanted to focus on anything else. Anything else.

Neither of us spoke as we made our way to the exit. Once we had arrived in the main room, Antonio excused himself for a few moments to sign some form of document at the front desk. I just nodded and stood in silence as he walked away.

"Excited to leave?"

I turned back to see none other than Jay Halstead, or at least, my hallucination of him. I didn't respond, simply turning away.

"Come on Erin," he laughed. "You're free. You can go home."

I looked at me feet hopelessly. "What home?" I whispered.

"What home? Any home. Your apartment for one," he suggested. "You can relax, have a beer, watch the game. You need to do something other than just mope Erin."

I laughed under my breath. I never wanted to watch another game again. I didn't care what sport or which team. That was what Jay and I had always done and I couldn't even imagine enjoying it without him. I couldn't even imagine wanting to.

I didn't tell that to Jay though because by then Antonio had returned, twirling his keys carelessly around his finger. "Let's get you home Erin," he said with a small grin.

* * *

He led the way into my apartment, shutting the door securely behind him. We wandered into my living room-kitchen area where he sat down a small plastic bag on the counter.

"I'm guessing you didn't listen when the doctor gave you the instructions for your medication so I got him to write it down for you," Antonio explained, placing a small piece of paper on the counter beside the bag of medications.

I shrugged. "Thank you," I mumbled quietly.

Antonio sighed. "Platt's having a special memorial, just for the precinct, later tonight. Voight says he'll pick you up then. He really wanted to be the one to drive you home from the hospital, but we caught this huge case and well...you know how it is."

"Tell him it's fine. He doesn't need to pick me up."

"Erin, you can't drive with your condition."

"No I- I would never drive." I paused, taking a deep breath. "It was hard enough just being in the passenger seat."

Antonio nodded. "Yeah, Your doctor told me that you were still having some flashbacks."

I nodded. "They were getting better. Now it mostly just when I'm sleeping. Just bright lights and then spinning, out of control like a top. Then I look to my right..." I paused, trying to summon the courage to continue. "And he's looking at me- right at me. His bright blue eyes...they're just staring into me." I shook away the thought. "It's not how it happened, but it feels like it is and...and it was feels so real...each time I close my eyes..."

"Erin. It's not real. It's just a dream."

I laughed at the bitter irony. "I keep waiting for someone to tell me that- that it's not real, but it is. Isn't it? He's just gone and there's nothing any of can do about it."

Antonio sighed, "Erin, let's have a seat." I obliged and we sat down, side by side on my couch. Antonio turned to face me, placing a hand, comfortingly, on my knee.

"You need to go to this memorial Erin. They've been putting it off until you were released and it's because It'll help you heal. I promise you."

I laughed bitterly. "Heal? Is that what I'm supposed to do? Just put on a bandaid and let time work it's magic?"

"Time's not going to heal it Erin. You have to. You have to heal by- by doing things like going to the memorial. You have to stop blaming yourself and you have allow yourself to heal. I know what you're going through Erin. Believe me. I know and it's not easy. Hell, it still hurts whenever I think of Jules, but I am able to get up each morning because I faced it. Head on."

"Head on," I repeated quietly, running it through my mind as though I where inspecting a coin to see if it was legit or not. "And that'll help me _heal_?" I added with a heavy dose of skepticism.

Antonio smiled sadly. "I miss him too Erin. We all do, but it isn't healthy for you to dwell on it like this. It'll lead you down a bad road and I knew Jay well enough to know that that isn't what he'd want for you. He'd want you to be happy Erin. He'd want you to smile again. He'd want you to face it...head on."

I sat quietly. "He always used to say that to me," I whispered. "I was never very good at it."

"Well you have to be. Not just just for your sake, but for the sake of his memory." He then took his hand off my knee and rose to his feet." Voight's going to swing by around seven to pick you up okay? Just be here."

I nodded. "I'll be at the memorial Antonio. I promise."

My friend gently patted my shoulder my shoulder before excusing himself from the room. "I'll see you then."

I just sat in silence for a while after he'd left, thinking about what he'd said. The rain was coming down hard now and I was sure that a violent storm was coming. I didn't even bother to check the weather for clarification.

I walked over to the counter and read the note from the doctor. I popped open the containers and took the amount prescribed. Then, my feet carried my to my bedroom.

My phone was sitting on my side table. I hadn't taken it with me that night. I had simply forgotten it, something Jay had laughed at me for at the time, but now I was beyond thankful that it hadn't gotten smashed up in the crash.

I unlocked the phone and opened up my photo album. I began flipping through all my photos until I found it.

I wasn't even a very good photo. Neither of us were even looking at the camera...or posing at all for that matter, but it was the first photo I had of him and it was from the day I had met him.

Antonio had just brought him into the unit, walked him up the stairs. I'd been in Voight's office, complaining about having to get the new guy as my partner. I felt that he'd only been brought into Intelligence because he saved Antonio's sister not because he was actually competent and that gave me an initial dislike of the guy.

" _Hey Jules," Antonio had said. "You remember Jay right? I told you about him. The guy who saved Gabby." He explained as he sat down on he corner of my desk._

 _Jules had smiled. "Nice to meet you," She'd said with a smile. "Erin! Stop hiding and come meet your new partner!"_

 _I'd rolled my eyes at Voight. "That's him?" I groaned. "You've got to be kidding."_

 _Voight laughed, but lead the way out of his office. "Detective Halstead, welcome to Intelligence. This is your partner, Detective Erin Lindsay."_

" _Nice to meet you Detective Lindsay," he said with a smirk plastered on his face, as he held out a hand to shake._

" _Uh-huh," I muttered, ignoring his hand. "Antonio," I added, continuing to ignore my new partner. "You didn't tell me the new recruit was such a pretty-boy."_

 _Antonio and Jules laughed at the insult, but Jay just smirked. "Apparently he leaves a lot of stuff out because he didn't tell me you were such an arrogant snob."_

 _Antonio died of laughter at that one. "See Voight? I told you he'd fit in."_

 _I rolled my eyes at the comment, but Jay's smirk grew. "Well, I can tell it's going to be fun working with you Detective Lindsay," he added with a small laugh._

" _Uh-huh," I said, a sly smile now appearing on my face. "Just for that, I'm not letting you drive."_

 _The sound of a snapshot interrupted our conversation and the two of us turned to the source of the sound; Antonio holding up my phone (which had been sitting on my desk)._

" _Did you just take a picture of us?" I snapped._

 _Jay laughed along with Antonio. "You don't want to commemorate this beautiful moment?" The new detective teased. "It's our first day as partners."_

 _I rolled my eyes. "Keep it up. See if I ever let you drive."_

I stared at the photo affectionately, running a slender finger over Jay's laughing body. A small drop of water landed on the glass of my phone. Then another. And another. I put the phone down, wiping away tears from my face.

"I'm so sorry Jay," I sobbed, covering my eyes with my hands as I sat down on my bed. "I'm so sorry." I breathed a jagged breath. "I miss you so much. How could you leave me?"

I picked up my phone again, sliding through more photos. Most were just from us goofing around or Antonio or Ruzek stealing my phone and taking the photos. Some were to commemorate moments. I never really got the point, but he told me I'd be glad to have the memories some day.

Then I came across a photo of the two of us smiling happily. We were at Molly's celebrating our "1 year anniversary" (as he put it). He had casually invited me to go grab some drinks and when I got there he confessed that we were celebrating our first whole year as partners. I'd called him ridiculous for celebrating such a simple thing, but, like always, he'd insisted it was an important event to celebrate.

More tears fell. "You were supposed to have my back Jay," I cried. "What about now Jay? Who's going to have my back now?" I folded into myself, clutching my phone and the photo of him, like a lifeline and I sobbed.

I cried harder than I'd ever cried in my life. The tears didn't burn though. They felt soft and gentle, like falling rain, and I was overwhelmed with the desire to escape, with the desire to go outside into the pouring downfall.

I threw on one of my jackets and tossing my phone deep in one of the pockets. I turned off the lights in my apartment which was beginning to feel like it was closing in around me. I grabbed my keys, locked the door behind me and rushed out of my apartment into the pouring rain.

* * *

My feet carried me through the soaking streets of Chicago. I didn't care where I was going. I just wandered. The rain was cold and harsh and I quickly became drenched by the overwhelming flow of water from the sky. It didn't bother me much though. Sure, I was shivering uncontrollably, but somehow, it was comforting to know that nature was finally agreeing with me.

I passed a fair amount of cars, many of the drivers stared at me with confused looks, as if trying to figure out what the heck I was doing in the rain so unprepared. Other pedestrians crossed my path, some running quickly around trying to escape the rain, others casually strolling about with their umbrellas or rain-jackets. Many gave me strange looks, but none of them bothered me.

It must've been a good thirty minutes after I left my apartment that I stopped walking. I looked up and realized that, without knowing it, I had walked right to Jay's apartment building. I pulled my keychain out of my pocket and sure enough, the spare key that he had given me still sat on the chain.

" _I'm never going to need this Jay," I had told him with a laugh. "Why would I ever go to your apartment when you're not there?"_

 _He had simply shrugged. "I told you, the key-maker-guy made too many. Besides, what if I'm out of town and you're place was burnt to the ground by a crazy murderer dead-set on getting revenge? Where would you crash?" He suggested teasingly._

 _I laughed at the ridiculous idea. "Please tell me this isn't just your subtle way of saying that you want me to throw you a surprise party."_

 _He laughed at the idea. "Dear god no...Wait. What would you be getting me?"_

 _I laughed again, rolling my eyes. "I'll take the key, but I'm never going to use it."_

 _He smirked. "You never know."_

I smiled at the memory as I entered the apartment building. I made my way up the stairs to his floor, instead of using the elevator for no real reason at all. I arrived at his door and for a moment I just stood there...and I didn't know what to do.

I had shown up here without even thinking and now I wasn't sure what I planned on doing once I entered. More importantly, I wasn't sure if I was ready to face it...If I could handle being in his apartment without breaking down.

"It's okay Erin." I turned around. Jay (or, more accurately, my hallucination of him) was standing behind me. "It's just like Antonio said; you've got to face it head on."

With a heavy sigh, I turned back to face the door and placed the key in the lock. I took another deep breath and twisted it. The door clicked open and I slowly pushed it back, revealing the apartment. I shut the door behind me and slowly walked into the living room space.

I looked around, as an overwhelming wave of memories rushed over me. I shook my head as tears welled up in my eyes. "I can't do this," I muttered, turning to leave. I had my hand on the door knob when a voice came from behind me.

"Detective Lindsay?"

I spun around to see Mouse. I paused for a moment unsure of what to say. "I have a spare key," I explained, holding out my key ring to show him.

The tech-expert nodded nervously. "I- uh- I was just here to- to- uh-"

I held up my hand. "It's fine. You don't have to explain. I get it."

"I didn't break him," He spat out suddenly. "I- I got a key too. I mean it's not mine. Technically it's Jay's, but he doesn't need it anymore- I guess- and so I borrowed it. I just came to pick up a couple- I'm not stealing."

"Mouse," I stopped him. "It's fine. I get it."

The man nodded. He'd always been rather nervous around most of the team. I'd talked to the others in the unit and apparently he was less awkward around me, but still obviously uncomfortable in my presence. He was only really comfortable when he was around Jay.

It made sense though. They reminded me a lot of myself and Nadia.

"What- What are you here for? Not to pry- I mean it's none of my business- If Jay gave you a key than- I guess- you have every right to be here- It's just..."

I sighed, shaking my head.

"What?" he asked.

"Why are you so nervous?"

Mouse just stared at me. He looked slightly surprised by the question, but not quite confused. Still, he didn't answer.

"Mouse?" I asked again, lowering and tilting my head a little bit just to get a better look at the man in the poorly lit apartment.

He looked up suddenly as if he'd just realized I was there. "Huh?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Why are you so nervous?"

"Oh, um," he shrugged slightly. "This is just weird," he replied quickly. "It's not right."

I laughed. "You're telling me." I sighed, looking around the space. "What'd you come to get?"

"Um...Jay has this...this photo..." He trailed off for a moment. "It's off our unit. It's signed by all the guys. I have the same photo, but it's not signed. Most of the guys..." he trailed off.

I smiled politely, nodding to show that I understood. "Did you find it?"

"No. I didn't."

"Did you check the bottom drawer of his dresser?" Mouse raised an eyebrow at the question so I took it as a no. "Follow me," I instructed, leading him into Jay's bedroom. I crouched down and opened up the bottom drawer of his dresser, pulling out a couple pieces of clothing to reveal a stash of photos and other miscellaneous, but clearly priceless items.

"He told me that he always kept the really important things hidden here."

Mouse nodded. "I tried the sock drawer," he admitted.

"Yeah," I said with a laugh. "He used to keep things there, but I told him it was too cliche so he moved them. I wasn't even being serious."

Mouse crouched down beside me and gently pulled out the photo he had described to me. "S-see?" he said, holding it out for me to see. "It's us."

I smiled as I gently took the framed image from him. There were four guys, Jay on the far right with Mouse just beside him. On the other side of Mouse were two other men. All four were fully dressed in ranger's attire.

"Rev and Sticks," Mouse explained. "See? Sticks is the one with the skull tattoo on his forearm. They were...They were great..." He trailed off again, just zoned out staring at the photo.

"You don't like talking about it do you? What happened while you were serving?" Mouse looked up at me, but didn't answer. "Jay never mentioned it either. Never even brought it up at all."

Mouse nodded as I handed the photo back to him. "He always landed on his feet though."

"Not this time," I whispered sadly, turning back to the drawer. I reached in and pulled out another photo. It was one of all of the Intelligence unit at Molly's...well all except Voight, of course.

Ruzek had his left arm pulled tightly around Burgess, while Olinsky stood just to his right. Roman and Atwater stood to the left of Burgess laughing at some joke someone had told. Antonio was beside Olinsky and had pulled his sister into the photo for some reason I couldn't remember. Jay and I were standing in front of the group, crouched down slightly because Herman (the fireman who owned the bar and who we'd asked to take our picture) had insisted we were blocking everyone else's face.

I smiled fondly at the memory. It was a good day. We had all been laughing. Everything was fine. None of us had ever thought this day would come.

"What was the occasion?"

I turned away from the photo to look at Mouse. "Huh?"

"What was the reason for the photo?" he repeated.

"It was a birthday," I said with a smile. "Ruzek's if I recall correctly. I remember because he was so insistent everyone be there. We said it was going to be the best party ever."

"Was it?"

I laughed. "I didn't think so. Not at the time. I told Jay that when he walked me home after and came inside for a few drinks. I remember him saying how I was wrong and it was the best...if for no other reason than that we were all together."

"Voight wasn't there."

"Voight never goes out to drink with us. Especially not at that bar. Even if it wasn't Molly's..." I trailed off for a moment. "Voight's more of a lone wolf kind of guy. He's not a party kind of guy."

Mouse chuckled lightly. "Yeah. He's pretty harsh."

I smiled. "I suppose so, but that's only before you really get to know him. He and Jay, they'd fight like cats and dogs, but when it came down to it, they had this...this underlying respect for one another. No matter how much Voight got made at Jay, or vice versa, I think they always had that." I let out a heavy, jagged, breath. "It takes a lot to earn that from Voight."

Mouse nodded. "If anyone could...it'd be- it'd be Jay."

I set the photo back down in the drawer and picked up a small, wallet-sized photo. It was a young boy and I didn't recognize him right away, but when I flipped it over, it all made sense.

Ben Corson

1999-2007

I let out a deep breath in one sharp gasp as though I'd been punched in the gut. Mouse looked at me in confusion.

"Who's Ben Corson?"

"He never told you about him?"

Mouse shook his head. "Jay...he seems so open, but...but he...I think there were a lot of things he never told people."

"Never talked much about Ben to me either," I said with a small sigh. "I guess he had just as many skeletons in his closet as the rest of us. He just never told anyone about them."

Mouse stayed in an awkward silence, not responding to my comment for a moment as I put the small photo back in the drawer. "I think there's some beer in the fridge. Might still be good. If you want- that is."

I smiled weakly. "No actually, I should be..." I trailed off as I laid my eyes on a small jewellery box, tucked into the corner of the drawer. I slowly pulled it out. Inside was a small gold necklace with a teardrop-shaped green pendant surrounded and backed with more gold. I flipped over the pendant to see a small name engraved; Savannah Halstead.

"That's his mom," Mouse began. "She-"

"This is wrong," I snapped, cutting him off as I slammed the pendant back into it's box and tossed it back in the drawer. I shot to my feet. "We're snooping. This is wrong."

Mouse didn't stand though. He pulled something else out of the drawer. I was a small folded up piece of paper. It was full of fold-marks. The detective in me, told me how that meant he had likely unfolded and re-folded it a lot.

Slowly, Mouse opened it up and stared at it. "Didn't you hear me?" I barked. "We're snooping. This is wrong."

"Jay wouldn't mind," he whispered. "Not if it's you."

I froze. "What?" I choked out.

He rose to his feet and handed me the photo. It was one of the two of us just hanging out at the precinct. I didn't even remember when it was taken. I was staring at the camera, smiling brightly, but Jay was just looking at me. I wondered who had taken the photo and why I didn't remember a snapshot that had clearly been so important to my partner.

"Look at the way he's looking at you Lindsay," Mouse said softly, pointing at Jay in the image.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at him. I recognized the look he had on his face. It was the one that always picked me up when I was down. The one that always reminded me that I was strong, that I mattered, at least to him...and whenever he looked at me like that, I knew that as long as he was with me I could survive anything. I could overcome anything.

A couple tears escaped my eyes and ran down my cheeks. "I remember this now. It was a slow day. We had been having a competition to see who could get the most balled up pieces of paper in Antonio's trash can." I breathed in and out heavily, trying to hold back another wave of tears. "I won. I rubbed it in his face. I had Antonio to take the photo on Jay's phone. I never even bothered to look at it."

Another wave washed over me as I stumbled back, collapsing on Jay's bed. "I can't believe he got it printed out...and kept it. It was just a silly photo."

Mouse sat down next to me, pointing once more at Jay's look in the photo. "It wasn't to him Erin. It was everything. It was everything because you were everything. You were everything to him."

I knew he was right. I could see it in the look in Jay's eyes. More tears streamed down my face and my vision blurred so that I could barely see the old, crease-covered photograph.

"He was everything...and I never told him. I never...I should've." I looked at Mouse, only to see he had a tear falling down his face too. "He's gone Mouse." I cried. Tears racked through my body, turning into screams of agony.

"He was everything...and now he's nothing," I sobbed.

Mouse tore the photo from my hands, holding it in front of my face. "Look at his face Erin."

I blinked away my tears, shocked at the timid man's bold use of my first name. I let out jagged breaths as I stared at the image.

"He's not nothing Erin. He loved you and that will never go away. That will never fade and if he truly was everything to you, then- then someday you'll see that that's enough. He may not always be everything, but he will never be nothing."

"No," I whispered, finding a strong sense of peace and clarity in his words. "He will always be everything. Always."

* * *

 _It wasn't long enough_

 _It wasn't long enough together_

 _but it was long enough_

 _yeah it was long enough_

 _to last forever._

* * *

 **So...That chapter was hella long, and now I don't have much time for an author's note, but I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. I hope it was an accurate portrayal of Erin searching through her and Jay's memories in order to "face it head on" (based on quote from finale). I'm happy with this chapter, but please let me know if you're not (or, hopefully, if you are).**

 **Mouse's character was ridiculous to try and get right. I spent at least an hour watching clips of him trying to grasp his personality so please let me know how I did (good OR bad).**

 **Next and finale chapter will be up next Sunday. See you all then!**


	4. Chapter 4 - Yet

**A Black Wind:**

 **Ch 4: Yet**

* * *

 _I'm losing ground and gaining speed_

 _I've lost myself, or most of me_

 _I'm headed for the final precipice_

* * *

I did go to the memorial. Voight had to pick me up from Jay's apartment in order to make it in time, but I did go.

I can't convey any of it, however. My eyes were too full of blurry tears for me to be able to make out even the slightest image and I didn't hear a word that anyone said. All I heard was a song screaming quietly in the background. It was so beautiful and moving that it blocked out all other sounds, all other voices, all other motions. Every note hit so close to home I thought it would knock the wind out of me.

It was enchantingly sorrowful...and yet, I don't remember a word.

Voight dropped me off at my apartment later that night. He stumbled through my kitchen, searching for some sort of food to make a meal out of, but eventually gave up, being only able to find old bottles of beer and some aging takeout.

He sighed and sat down beside me on my couch. "I'll bring by some groceries tomorrow."

I shrugged, but didn't reply.

"You going to be okay for the night Erin? You can always stay at my place."

"I'm fine," I lied quietly.

Voight sighed, "Erin. You don't have to lie to me. I know you better than that."

I looked at him hopelessly. "What do you want me to say Hank?" I barely coughed out, my voice sounding strangled by sorrow.

He let out, yet another sigh, and we just sat there in silence for a moment as he searched for something to say. "We've pulled Burgess up to Intelligence."

"What?" I gasped in a small puff of air, much like that of someone who had just been winded.

"It's not to take your spot Erin."

"It's to take Jay's."

Voight let out a heavy breath, shaking his head slowly. "We're down two men Erin. We had to pull someone up."

"I bet she's real happy about it," I muttered bitterly.

"Don't be like that. She's good police. She'll do good in Intelligence. She deserves to be in Intelligence," he reminded me sternly. "She's not there to take Jay's place. She's there to help us. We're understaffed without her. None of this is about replacing Jay."

"But it is," I whispered. "And you're right. It's not your fault. It's not Burgess's." I ran my hands across my face, and stumbled to my feet, beginning to pace nervously. "But he's being replaced. The world is spinning on without him. Time is...it's passed without him. It's still going. Everything," I raised my voice so I was practically screaming. "Everything is happening without him."

Anger swept over me, suddenly. I was mad at the world for moving on. I was mad at time for leaving him behind. I was mad at myself for forgetting that it would.

I picked up a nearby digital clock, yanking it's cord from the socket. "Look at this!" I shouted. "Look at this clock! It's still ticking! It's still going on- through each day- each minute! As though he never left! Everything is moving on! Everything is leaving him behind!" In an act of blinding furry, I through the clock at the ground as hard as I could, causing it to violently shatter on the ground.

Tears overcame me. "And I don't want it to," I sobbed out.

Slowly, and with a calm expression, Voight rose to his feet and approached the shattered remains of the clock. "Erin," he said softly, as he squatted down beside it, picking up the largest remaining piece. "This clock...it's not ticking anymore. It's stopped moving on. It's forever frozen in the moment you threw it. It's not leaving Jay behind anymore. Isn't that what you want?"

I paused, unsure of how to respond.

Gently, Voight put the piece down and rose to his feet. "But it's in pieces Erin. It's stopped moving on because it's stopped working...because it's broken. It's been shattered into pieces...and you will be too...if you don't move on as well."

"I don't want to do that Hank," I sobbed, miserably as he approached me. "I don't want to forget him."

"You don't have to forget him Erin. In fact, you shouldn't. You should hold his memory close, as close as you can, but you can't dwell on it. You have to keep going...or you will be like that clock."

I sniffed back another wave of tears. "How? How do I even do that? How do I move on Hank? I tried looking back. I went to his apartment. I went to the memorial. I might have started to accept that he's gone, but I can't just... I can't move past it. I don't know how."

Hank put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Do you remember way back when I took you in? I told you that I would help you. I told you I would help you get better...but it wasn't going to be easy. It was going to be hard. It was going to hurt."

"You said it wasn't just going to be just a set of steps," I recalled with a sniff. "That it was going to be a process..."

"And there was only so much I could tell you to do. The rest...that was the part you had to find out for yourself. There's always a part that's different for everyone."

"So you're trying to say that you can't help me?" I asked coldly.

Voight shook his head. "I'm trying to say, I can only help you so much. But I can help you. Do you trust me Erin?" He asked as he reached out his hand to me

I nodded. "Of course I trust you." I replied, taking his hand, warmly, in mine.

He smiled slightly. "Then, I want to take you somewhere. I know it's late, but I think it might help."

I hesitated for a moment. A large part of me wanted to crawl into my bed and cry myself into a deep, unending coma. I wanted to wake up and, if only for a moment, forget why it hurt so much just to breathe, but Voight was right. I needed to move on... _not forget,_ I reminded myself, _just move on._

I thought of the small photograph folded up in my pocket (the one Mouse and I had found in Jay's dresser drawer) and I looked my father-figure right in the eyes. I nodded. It was just like Antonio had said... _Head on._

"Let's go," I said with as much forced confidence as I could muster and just like that, I followed Voight out into the night.

* * *

The roads were a maze. As a member of the Chicago Police Department, I had learnt each street well so I could get just about anywhere in the city with ever having to consult a map, but as Voight drove me through the nighttime streets of Chicago, each turn was more confusing than the first. I recognized buildings and street names, but it all blurred together making it impossible for me to figure out where we were going. Until, that is, we arrived at the precinct.

I looked at Hank questioningly, but he simply smiled reassuring and parked the vehicle. We both got out of the car and I followed him, as slowly as I could get away with, into the large building.

"Sargent Platt," Hank greeted. "What are you still doing here this late at night?"

"I'm starting a dance crew," she muttered sarcastically. "What're you doing here?"

Hank simply motioned his head towards me, who, at the time, was trying very hard to not be noticed by the desk Sargent.

"Hey," I mumbled just loud enough for her to hear.

Platt forced a smile, but didn't say anything. She always had been a dangerously perceptive woman and she could clearly see how badly I did not wish to continue the conversation with her at that moment.

"Let's go upstairs Erin," Hank suggested, leading me up and unlocking the entrance gate. I nodded silently and obediently followed. Once we reached the top he stopped without saying a single word. I froze in awe.

Jay's desk was completely covered in flowers and old photos. I approached it slowly, afraid of its fragility. I squatted down in front of it and examined it closely, running my hands over each photo and smelling each and every flower.

There were small cards too. They were simple cards, each only having a few words, a single, simple yet overwhelmingly meaningful message. And each was signed. I read some of the names. Everyone from the unit was there. So were many other names I recognized from the precinct as patrol officers. What me the most, however, was the amount of names that I didn't recognize.

"Practically the whole precinct's been up at some point," Hank explained. "It was Burgess's idea. Originally, I shut her down, but then Ruzek and Atwater supported her. Once Antonio and Al agreed I had no choice, but to let them do it. The whole precinct got into it."

I stopped at a small, white card. It was just as simple as the rest, but it bore a familiar insignia; the Chicago Fire Department. I opened up the card, and sure enough it was signed by the entirety of Firehouse 51.

Hank noticed the card I was looking at. "Antonio's sister," he explained. "Got the whole house into it."

I nodded, feeling tears begin to well up. "He got around didn't he? Knew a lot of people."

" _Helped_ a lot of people," Hank added.

I nodded once more. "He was that kind of guy." I looked up at Hank. "That's how he should've gone out. He deserved to go out in the line of duty...at the very least. He helped so many people."

Hank sighed. "Erin. That doesn't change anything. How he died doesn't matter. It's how he lived. Look at the desk. He moved enough people to have them create this. He lived to save people. His death may have just been a freak accident, but that doesn't change how he lived."

I smiled sadly. "I know. It doesn't make it hurt any less though."

We remained in a comfortable silence as I continued to check over the desk. After a minute or so, Hank excuse himself to go downstairs, giving me some time alone. The silence, however was short lived.

"Oh," came a familiar voice. "I thought I heard someone."

I looked up to see Kim Burgess. Quickly, I shot to my feet.

"I was just looking-" I stammered. "Hank told me that it was your idea."

She nodded with a nervous grin. "I know it's cliche and kind of childish, but-"

"Jay would've liked it. He was into things like this. Traditional sorts of things...he enjoyed the simplest of things. I know he would've approved."

Her smiles brightened. "That's good. I thought me might...and...Dawson said the same thing."

I nodded silently, then let out a deep breath. "What're you doing here so late?"

She shrugged. "There's a lot of paperwork associated with joining Intelligence." Then, suddenly, she froze up upon saying the name of the unit. "I'm so sorry-" she blurted. "That was inconsiderate."

I shook my head. "You're fine, Burgess. You joined Intelligence, that's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I'm not ashamed," she assured me quickly. Slowing down her pace, she continued, "I just...I have big shoes to fill."

"Yeah. You do," I agreed. I paused for a moment, looking over at my vacant desk, than back at Jay's memorial of a desk.

"I've been working from the break room," Burgess explained, spontaneously. "I didn't want to use your desk and I...I didn't want to..." she trailed off.

I smiled for a moment. "You should try it out," I suggested, motioning to my late partner's desk. Burgess looked unsure, but I smiled as warmly as I could manage. "It's okay."

Hesitantly, she finally sat down in the decorated chair. I slowly, made my way over to my desk and sat down. She seemed uncomfortable in the seat, but I couldn't deduce whether it was due to the decorations or the fact the desk was Jay's just a little while ago.

Then, suddenly, it all felt so wrong. She shouldn't be there. That was my partner's desk. That was Jay's desk. That was my partner's desk. I shook my head violently.

"No," I muttered to myself. "It's wrong. It's all wrong. It's too wrong." I shot to my feet, an action that the new member of Intelligence abruptly mimicked, stepping away from the decorated desk.

"I need to go."

"Wait!" Burgess called, causing me to turn around. "Erin. Why did you come here?"

I paused for a moment. "I don't know."

She fiddled with her hands. "Whatever it is...that you're looking for...I hope you find it."

I forced a smile. "Me too..." I said hopefully. "And Burgess...you can use my desk, at least until I'm back," I added before heading back down the stairs.

* * *

"Burgess was upstairs," I told Hank as we drove through the streets of Chicago.

"Hm," he thought for a moment. "I'm hoping you didn't throw a clock at her."

I rolled my eyes. "I asked her to sit in Jay's desk...just to see..." I trailed off for a moment. "IT felt wrong Hank. It was so wrong. I don't think I'm ready for this whole 'moving-on' thing."

Hank laughed slightly. "I told you Erin. It's not an overnight thing. It's never going to be."

I nodded, silently, an action which earned no reply, leaving us both sitting in the silence, just as we had been only moments before.

"Hank?" I asked after a few minutes. "There's someplace other than my apartment that I want you to drop me off."

He raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "Drop you off?" he repeated.

I nodded. "Antonio told me something earlier today and I've been trying to do it, but... but it's hard."

"What did he tell you?"

"He told me to face it." I let out a sharp, sad, breath. "I've been trying. I've been trying so had to do whatever it takes to make it- make it easier to- to move on- or- or accept it, but it's not getting easier. I just it to stop hurting so much. I want the pain to just...go away." Tears began to well up in my eyes, but I wiped them away before Hank could see. "I've been trying to face it, head on, but that's- that's just me trying to run from the pain."

Han nodded understandingly. "I know how you feel, Erin," he confessed. "It's like a hopeless loop of grief. I've been there. Remember?"

I smiled sadly, "Yeah."

Hank went on. "I'm here for you though Erin...and I'm not giving up on you." Slowly, he pulled the vehicle over to the curb. Putting it in park, he turned to face me. "You're strong as they come Erin."

I smiled, my body now shaking with the tears I was desperately trying not to cry. "No I'm not," I confessed in a strained voice. "Jay was stronger than me. You'd never know it though. He hid his strength, but he had it. A lot of it." I let out a heavy, ragged breath.

"It wasn't enough for him," I whispered.

Hank sighed. "I know," he whispered. "It seems like pure strength never is, but it is enough Erin. I promise you that if you hold onto your strength...it will be enough."

I nodded, letting out more and more ragged breaths as unshed tears caused my body to shake more and more violently.

"There's somewhere I need to be Hank...and I think I need to be there alone."

"Okay kid," he said soothingly, briefly placing a comforting hand on my shoulder before kicking the car back into gear. "Just tell me where to take you."

* * *

The rain had stopped at least an hour ago, but the grass was still wet and the street was covered in puddles. Hank splashed straight through one as he drove off, missing me, thankfully, by a few feet.

I remember standing there, watching his car drive off until I could no longer see it. I remember not wanting to turn around and suddenly, being filled with overwhelming regret about coming here at all. I wanted to call Hank and have him turn around. I reached from my phone in my pocket, but when I touched the folded photograph, I paused and pulled it out instead. I ran my fingers over the creased paper, before putting it back in my pocket and turning around.

As my gaze danced across each of the tombstones I was filled with an overwhelming sorrow. I didn't want to go into the maze of graves, searching for the right one. I clenched the photo in my pocket just hard enough to give me the courage to go through with it.

Hank had given me a general description of where to look, but it still took me a couple minutes to find the right stone. When I finally did, I fell to my knees in front of it. I only read two words...

 _Jay Halstead_

I took a deep, jagged breath. "I never this day would come," I confessed. "This... It doesn't feel right." My voice jumped up an octave as my eyes began to well up with tears. I left out more shaky breaths. "You...You were never supposed to leave me."

"I never meant to Erin."

I didn't even have to look up to know who it was.

"But you did. You left me."

Silence filled the graveyard for a brief moment that lasted an eternity. "I know."

I laughed coldly. "You know?" I snapped. "I'm a wreck Jay. I'm a wreck because of you. I let you into my life. I let you into my heart...and you left me. And it hurts so bad. This is why I don't let people in...it hurts too much when they leave."

"I'm not your parents Erin. I didn't want to leave you. I wanted everything you wanted. I wanted to...to spend forever with you. I meant to stay."

"I always knew how you felt." I let out a small chuckle. "You wore your heart on your sleeve since the first day I met you. It was one of the many reasons why we should've never gotten along...and one of the main reasons why we did."

Silence.

I wiped tears from my eyes as they threatened to fall. "The only problem was me. I was foolish. I was too afraid...and I lost my chance. I lost you."

"You'll never lose me Erin."

"I did though. I saw your...your lifeless eyes..." I trailed off, fading into the far off memory of that small, crowded hospital room when I first found out the truth. It still hurt to remember. "I can never forget that image."

"Erin. Look at me."

I shook my head.

"Erin."

I turned my head slowly. He was standing there, just behind me, looking just as he had the day...just before the accident.

"You didn't lose me. Not yet. You only lose me, if you forget about me. If you forget who I was...how I was."

"I don't know how to do this without you," I whispered as I wiped away even more tears. "I don't know how to do anything without you." I paused for a moment, sniffing back even more tears, afraid of not being able to stop crying once I started.

"All I've done is cry, Jay," I whispered hopelessly. "I tried to move on. I tried to make it stop hurting. I don't know how."

"Yes you do."

"How?"

"How?" he repeated. "Time. Love. Friends. Family." he stopped for a moment, looking up at the sky. A familiar grin played into existence on his face. He laughed, "You keep fighting for tomorrow, for just one more day."

I followed his gaze up to the sky. I smiled weakly. The dark storm clouds were rolling out of the dark sky. I could now clearly see the moon and the stars.

I laughed at the irony, at the coincidence, putting a hand over my mouth. Jay squatted down in front of me, a hauntingly beautiful smile on his face.

"You will never lose me," he stated with a sort of certain finality that made it all feel better, even if only for the blink of an eye.

"You can do this. You can do this without me. I know you can," He added with the same finality.

I looked down from the sky to face him again. "I don't want to."

"Come on. You're Detective Erin Lindsay. You're a fighter, a surviver...you're a damn champion."

For a small, tiny little eternity we just remained and even though, deep down, I knew he wasn't real. I knew he was just a hallucination, I found comfort in his gaze. I saw my home in his eyes. I saw my heart in his smile and I knew I would never love another quite the way I loved him. Maybe it'd be stronger, maybe it'd be weaker, but it would never be the same. It would never be the same...and I would never try to make it that way.

"My head's almost better," I thought aloud. "That means you're gonna go away. You're going to leave."

Jay smiled. "You'll be okay."

"No I won't," I whispered through frequent jagged breaths. "But I'll survive...and I'll do it for you. I'll keep fighting. I'll keep searching for each tomorrow. I'll hold to the ones I love that I still have. I won't ever push them away. I'll love more. I'll hate less. I'll try harder...and I'll do better. I'll be better Jay."

I took a heavy, ragged breath as more tears welled up in my eyes. They blurred my vision of Jay, so I let them fall down my cheeks. I just wanted to hold onto the image of his. The dream of him.

"And I'll never forget you...and Burgess may someday take your desk, but she'll never be you. And I'll make damn sure that she never disrespects- or forgets- whose shoes she's filling and how important they are."

Jay smiled. "She'll do fine. So will you."

"I'll have to be the best damn cop. No one to look out for me anymore. What am I going to do without you to be my backup?"

Jay smirked. "Nah. You never needed me. You were always too badass...kept making me look bad."

I laughed at the comment, causing more tears to spill. I covered my mouth with my hands as more tears racked through my body. "Of course I was," I managed. "Someone had to keep that ego in check."

He looked at me with an unbearably sad smile. "So this is goodbye?" I asked.

He looked at the ground.

More tears shattered through me as nodded in understanding. "I'm gonna miss you so much," I confessed. "I mean...I mean, I miss you so much," I corrected myself, editing out the _am gonna._

He smiled one of his heartwarming smiles and it took everything in me not to fall apart as we both rose to our feet. "I guess we should say goodbye then," he suggested.

"No," I insisted, shaking my head. "We promised always. There are no goodbyes in always."

He smiled. "That works for me."

"I'll see you again Jay. Someday."

A laughed broke through him, causing me to smile through my storm of tears. "Oh," he teased, "Definitely."

Then slowly, but somehow also way too fast, he faded into the nothingness, into the background...and he was gone.

I let out a tortured scream and the pain washed over me more strongly than it ever had. I hurt more than anything, but it didn't feel like a fiery pain. It was more like a dam breaking. The current was overwhelming, but I think I had finally just begun to move on...somehow.

Another, grief-stricken cry burst out of my lungs as I managed to turn back to the gravestone. I read his name, his years and the small words beneath that simply read:

 _Never Forgotten_

Tears continued to overwhelm me as I fell forwards, collapsing onto my hands and knees. One last scream ripped itself out of my lungs, leaving me shaking, sobbing and occasionally letting out fragments of words.

I remember it as though I remained there, crying hopelessly, all night long. I recall the last of my sobs breaking free in the light of the sun. I remember rising to my feet and staring at the blood-stained sunrise. Surely, that isn't quite how it happened...or maybe it was...but, nonetheless, I remember staring into the morning's sunrise...

And starring into that red, for just a moment, I forgot why I was crying. I forgot why breathing hurt so much...and I remembered the song from the funeral, the beautiful, moving, enchantingly beautiful song...but then, just like every morning, the world came back to me and I remembered why it hurt so much.

And I forgot the words and rhythm of a most beautiful song.

* * *

 _But you haven't lost me yet_

 _No, you haven't lost me yet_

 _I'll sing until my heart caves in_

 _No, you haven't lost me yet_

* * *

 **The End.**

* * *

 **I'm actually pretty pleased with how well this song fit the chapter...speaking of songs:**

 _ **Title/Description: Valentine's Day (Linkin Park)**_

 _ **Ch 1: Immortals (Fall Out Boy)**_

 _ **Ch 2: Rain (Patty Griffin)**_

 _ **Ch 3: Forever (Rascal Flatts)**_

 _ **Ch 4: Yet (Switchfoot)**_

 **I really hope you guys enjoyed the story, I loved writing it. I won't have my next sorry out until the start of July (at the earliest) with exams and HW and all. I don't have a concrete idea yet so feel free to send them in. AND as always, let me know what I did well and what I could do better next time in order to help me make my stories more enjoyable for you.**

 **I hope you all enjoyed. :)**


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